Retrospective - An Amiga Christmas 15/12/97

I never get computer software for Christmas. Without fail, it never appeared under the tree for me. I get all sorts of other crap, but never computer software. I could get down on my knees, beg, plead, offer perverse sexual favours, and I still wouldn't get any software. (At least, not of the Computer kind if you catch my drift.)

I have no idea why this is. Okay, being in Canada now, and seeing stuff like Microsoft Flightsim 98 for over seventy dollars, I can vaguely understand it. (This being my second Christmas in Canada.) However, when I was in England, and had an Amiga, software was still around 25-35 UK pounds. (This pricing still left me pining for the halcyon days of the Sinclair Spectrum, when you could go into your local Woolworths, Boots, WHSmith's (or its foreign equivalent) etc, pick up a few games, and still have change for the bus home. Those days died when Mastertronic stopped selling software for 1.99. (Okay, so most of it was crap, but HEY! At least 1.99 wasn't much to pay if it was crap. These days you can spend $40+ and realise it stinks.)

Anyway, as I was saying before I digressed, I never get software for Christmas. I have, though, had two awesome Christmases courtesy of the good old Amiga.

With it being the time where we all take a brief time out from hating each other, I decided, in the spirit of the holiday, to recall my Amiga Christmases.

My first truly memorable Amiga Christmas was way back in the year 1990. Back then, 1 meg was fast becoming the standard for the old A500. Some months earlier, a friend had bought a 512k expansion for his Amiga, and it had set him back 80 UK Pounds. 4 months later, I found one that cost 30, and was very pleased. (And said friend was rather unhappy.) I decided that I would try to break my parents "Anything computer related" embargo, and ask for the ram expansion. With further prodding, I persuaded them to actually give me it the day it arrived. (Having amassed a sizeable amount of nefarious software that just wouldn't work on a 512k machine. Most of it was crap, but at least provided a momentary distraction, even if only to laugh at how horrendous is was.) So, my parents ordered it, and I waited... And, funnily enough, didn't have to wait that long. The "Allow 4 weeks for delivery" statement being more than a little inaccurate, the expansion arrived within 5 days.

I eagerly ripped open the packaging (patience not being one of my character traits) and carefully removed the expansion. It was a Zydec ram expansion, not authorised to be shoved into the trap door beneath my Amiga, and I didn't care. I gleefully ripped open the trap door... And then proceeded to spend the following 45 minutes trying to get the bloody thing IN there.

Commodore, in their infinite wisdom, created a slot which was wide enough to fit the board in, but not wide enough to get ANYTHING else in, this included fingers, which made fitting the expansion more than a touch tricky. Trying not to touch the board, being fully aware of the havoc our old friend Mister Static Electricity can cause the OH SO volatile computer chips, I fought for ages, never once thinking that maybe earthing myself out so I could actually TOUCH the thing would be a good idea. In the end, I jammed the thing in with the help of my little finger, a screw driver, and a pair of pliers. After this fight, I was declared the victor, and had pretty much given up hope on the board working after the hell I just put it through.

I plugged the machine in, and miracle upon miracle, nothing went "fizz bang", no smoke appeared, no burning smell was apparent, and well gosh darn it! I think it worked! I loaded Workbench. (From floppy I might add. I never had a hard drive until I migrated to the A1200.) I sat patiently waiting for WB to load, and there it was. At the top were all the right figures. My memory expansion was WORKING. (If only the same could be said about my OWN memory. Never smoke herbs people.)

This wondrous event gave me the ability to play the game I'd been itching to play since my friend got it. The mighty "Curse of the Azure Bonds", based on the Forgotten Realms universe in Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. This was one of the best games I've ever played. The sound may have been awful (so put on a good album) but the game built up one hell of an atmosphere. I've yet to find another game to compare. That whole month (the expansion arriving on December 5th) was spent playing, aside from short breaks to play the fantastic Indy 500 from Papyrus. (My now 1 meg machine capable of using the replay function, which means only one thing. Best crash competitions.) Well, I say the whole month. I lost my job about 4 days before Christmas, and as I was unemployed, my parents decided that there would be an electricity embargo in my room, stating that if I wasn't contributing money, I couldn't use electricity. So I sat in my room all day, and refused to put the light on when it was dark, saying if they wanted me to not use electricity, I wouldn't. In the end I got so pissed off I went round a friends house.

I never did complete the game. (Bonds that is, not Indy.) I came damn close though. There are very few games I can claim to have completed without cheating. (Mercenary being the first one, on the Commodore Plus 4, (yes, I was one of the few people who owned one), and I completed that in just two weeks.) I guess I didn't complete it because something else came along which I found equally gripping. (If I remember, it may have been F1GP. The less said about that game the better. That game sucked away more of my life than ANY other before or since. Geoff Crammond is truly a God among men.) With my now 1 meg machine, a whole new world opened out before me. Just as well, since most software from that point on was 1 meg only.

Then, after around 363 days, we roll around to Christmas 1991.

I haven't really made it clear yet, but I HATE Christmas. It's just so tedious and facile. A holiday which has been grabbed firmly between both hands by big business, and had it's neck wrung until all that's left is a tattered corpse that was once Christmas. Don't get me wrong, ONCE it was good, when Christmas was filled with magic and awe, but these days, it's just filled with depression and turkey. 1991 was no exception.

People ask me what I want for Christmas, and I tell them. I have become convinced of late that they are only doing this to mess with my head. Hopefully this year will be the first where I actually get what I want. (The movie "The Crow" being top of my list this year.)

1991 was a depressing year. I can't even remember what I got that Christmas. All I remember is waking up Christmas morning and thinking "JOY! Another Christmas is upon us. Someone get me a beer." And, by 11am, I was drinking said beer, sitting in my bedroom, avoiding all the sugary Christmas sentiment on TV, and wondering what to do. I rifled through my disks, and stumbled across Populous 2. "AHH!" I thought, "Let's indulge my anti Christmas sentiment, and ruin the lives of some computer people", and booted it up. (Not being able to ruin the lives of the usual computer people, those being the moronic staff at Dixons.)

With a beer in one hand, and a mouse in the other, I loaded up the game, and got playing. What followed was one of the most enjoyable times I've ever had on a computer. I vaguely remember the level. The evil opponent had me backed into a corner, and had me in a position of submission, with all my settlements destroyed with one final crushing volcano. So much so I only had two people left. Did I give up? Did I hell! I figured this was just life giving me a metaphor for Christmas, and I was going to be DAMNED if I was going to let it get away with it. The battle continued. Once I'd managed to gain some mana, I started the fight back. A plague here, an earthquake there, and a few other magical attacks thrown in for good measure. Soon (rather, it SEEMED like soon) I had the computer against the wall (metaphorically, not the real computer) and then destroyed it with one final crushing blow. (Though thinking about it, there were times I wanted to do this to the REAL computer.) I sat back, had another beer, and revelled in my victory. It was then I looked at my watch. What had once been 11am was now gone 4pm. I had spent over 5 hours playing the game, and the time had just flown by! I smiled. This Christmas was nearly over, and I'd achieved possibly my greatest ever victory in Populous 2.

I don't think I ever played Populous 2 again. One problem I have is if I have the perfect game (which that level certainly was), I rarely go back and play the game again. I figure I got maximum enjoyment from it, and anything after that will be a let down.

After that year, I don't think I ever really had any more Christmases like that. The only Christmas I really remember is my last one in England (1995), a Christmas spent eating to many mince pies, and watching the movie Dumb and Dumber, which is truly one of the WORST movies EVER made. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day that year were fun though. A friend came round and we hooked our PC's up, and we spent all day killing each other in Doom and Heretic, and downloading dirty pictures off of the Internet. (I love the Internet.) That was a moderately enjoyable Christmas.

I don't think any Computer Christmas, however, can compare to the Christmas I spent playing Populous 2. As computer Christmases go, that was the ultimate. I intend to get a hold of Populous 2 for UAE, and bring back the old memories this Christmas.

Until next time, this is Drood signing off. (Who is rather pleased that he has got Pinball Dreams running on WinUAE.) Dr. Drood