Where are they now? 03/08/97

For years now there has been much speculation surrounding the supposed Lazarus-like rebirth of the Amiga. Any current Amiga owner who has really used their machine for prolonged periods of time (a few years, say) will tell you:

* The Amiga has its fair share of splendid software, innovations the likes of which have taken years to eventually surface on other platforms.

* The AmigaOS` revolutionary multi-tasking still runs rings around the competition.

* The sound capabilities of the Amiga outperform other machines.

* The Operating System of the Amiga is less sprawling than that of other systems.

* Users love their Amiga`s and wouldn`t swap them for love nor money.

* PCs and Macs are rubbish compared to the Amiga.

But! Is that the Truth? Or yet another homespun philosophy spouted by Amiga users, notorious for airing half an inch of meaning to every 50 feet of noise? Will the Amiga be reincarnated as a NExtGeneration WONDERMachine?

Who will buy it? Who will use it?

We reckon the most probable Amiga users of the future are those that still stand by their trusty cream-boat of technology to this very day. But, who are these people? Where are they? Let`s find out shall we.

It`s important to understand that this article is not intended as a gratuitous rubbishing of our dear old machine of choice (the Amiga, of course). However, after 13 years, we feel it is high time to impartially place facts in objective perspective - in a way that no other publication purporting to support the Amiga possibly can (by virtue of the fact that they purport to support the Amiga). You see?

Swedish popsters Ace Of Base once sang the line, "She leads a lonely life". And, d`you know, we like to think of that as a fitting and touching tribute to what has become The Modern Amiga Of Today. Let`s examine that in more detail:

MANIFESTATION ONE: The sickly sugar-coated mess of an A500 or "Hey kids! Look what we`ve got!"

These can often be found in the untidy `living rooms` of many UK householders. Usually acquired from a friend or bought `on the cheap` from a local free ads paper, via a series of rigourous bargaining sessions, for £20. Complete with battered A500 is normally supplied a broken joystick, a mouse, a moribund powerpack, a box of nefariously-sourced games and some tatty magazines. Once these are inherited by the new owners, they tend to be strewn around the already soiled carpet of the `living room` only to be siezed by the younger members of the family, of which there are normally three, and subjected to yet further abuse. It`s also highly likely the buyer of said Ultimate Games Machine will be in reciept of one ill-conceived moustache.

If we investigate the everyday usage of the machine, we note that it is used infrequently by those aged 1-11 years old, slightly more by those aged between 12 and 17 and never at all by the eldest of the family. Its primary use is for playing badly-cracked games and for hosting beakers of orange cordial.

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 11%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 19%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: Extremely Unlikely
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: 112 days
COUNTDOWN TO N64: 2 years 6 months
COUNTDOWN TO 386SX: Already got one in `the study`
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 19%
These people are no more Amiga users than I am an intrepid Antarctic explorer (which I`m not).

MANIFESTATION TWO: The Noise Box or "Chugga Chugga Boom Boom Check Diggy Check"

Would-be musicians retain their, normally 5-year old, A500+ or A600 with the justification that it is "great for music". Amongst the few magazine coverdisk demos and nefariously-sourced games are scattered hundreds of poorly-labelled disks containing samples. The usual output of these machines, when in use (which is becoming increasingly infrequent) is badly constructed "Drum & Bass" (or "Jungle") music. It is common to find other genres of music too, but most are related one way or another to those already mentioned. These atrocities are rarely constructed alone. The involvement of others seems to act as a decoy to detract from the otherwise unspeakable awfulness of this disgraceful practice. Safety in numbers, eh?

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 37%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 71%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: Unlikely
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: Already got one, but sold it to buy some records.
COUNTDOWN TO N64: 6 months 1 week 2 days
COUNTDOWN TO P100: 1 year
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 31%
A likely candidate as a Future Amiga User. But not until next generation machines are rife second-hand.

MANIFESTATION THREE: In Safe Keeping or "Attic Attack"

The Amiga was a truly great machine with games, the likes of which, weren`t available on any other platform. It had some brilliant and handy little tools too - DPaint for drawing, Protext for writing short letters. And those demos! Show stopping effects, graphics and music. The whole "Golden Age" of the Amiga represented a tremendous leap forward for the entire computer revolution. Just leafing through some of the magazines from that time prove what a very special era the era of the Amiga era was.

But nowadays Quake is better than Dungeon Master, and as for DPaint - it looks a little primitive. So best to box all of this up and stick it in the attic, eh? Now, where did I put my PC?

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 21%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 85%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: Bought the 1993 Christmas Issue of "Amiga Format" out of curiosity
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: Been there, done that.
COUNTDOWN TO N64: Indignant stance proclaims "My PC is better than your X"
WHERE NEXT?: Happy with Pentium P266 - for now
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 50%
Already initiated with the Amiga way of life. A super-powerful Amiga may just seal the deal.

MANIFESTATION FOUR: The Enlightenment or "Ah, but have you seen my Amiga!"

There is a frustrated PC/Mac user that is way, way, WAY out of his/her depth. They bought their machine to tinker with piddling crap that they had heard about down the ("Local hostelry" - Ed.). However, their meagre attempts at video titling, sampling of their voice and drawing have all ended in embarrasing frustration. Until they discover that "John" has an "Amiga" and that he can do everything that they can`t. Neanderthal instincts arrest their entire being until, seething with rage and jealousy, thePC/Mac is sold in a fit of fury. An Amiga is subsequentally purchased for around £20.

All is rosy in the garden of banality.

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 86%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 83%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: High
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: No interest.
COUNTDOWN TO N64: No interest.
WHERE NEXT?: Probably nowhere.
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 78%
Making sterling use of highly-specialised software, this is one Amiga user that knows what they want.

MANIFESTATION FIVE: Bells and Whistles or "Now I have the power! Wuahaha."

Nothing pleases these users more than having up-to-date `kit`. They would sell their grannies for new Amiga kit, and regularly do*. If it`s new and it`s available, you can almost guarantee they`ll have it bolted on to their, usually A1200 or A4000 Amigas within hours. DIY projects are of interest to these people, particularly conversions of keyboards and casing. Indeed, open up their innocent-looking PC tower-case, peek inside, and you`ll find all manner of Amiga paraphernalia poking out.

In single-minded pursuit of one particular aim - be it faster graphics rendering, better sound output, beefier games or simply to have the best/fastest Amiga on the block, these people have supported the loyal Amiga software and hardware manufacturers to the end. Salute them for they care.

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 93%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 95%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: Guaranteed
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: Absolutely no interest whatsoever.
COUNTDOWN TO N64: The countdown has commenced, but is not ticking in real time.
WHERE NEXT?: A PowerPC Amiga, of course.
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 92%
These people want a new Amiga. And they want it NOW. (Crickets.) Please? (Applause.)

MANIFESTATION SIX: The Smell of Bells and Whistles or "Wouldn`t it be good if.."

Nothing would please these users more than having up-to-date `kit`. They would gladly sell their grannies for new Amiga kit, except they wouldn`t fetch sixpence. If it`s new and it`s available, you can almost guarantee they`ll be talking about it nonchalantly. DIY projects are of interest to these people, particularly conversions of keyboards and casing. Indeed, open up their cigarette-stained A1200 cases, peek inside, and you`ll find that it`s no different to the day it left the factory. Except for the ash and crisps.

Their (misplaced) enthusiasm notwithstanding, these people are bastards.

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 70%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 70%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: Highly Unlikely
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: Stole one once, sold it on.
COUNTDOWN TO N64: Trying to secretly sell their Amiga to fund the purchase of one.
WHERE NEXT?: Whatever their friends have, eventually.
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 47%
They really do love their Amiga, but the shame of owning one is just too much to handle.

MANIFESTATION SEVEN: The Lost Youth or "Sally? Hi Sally, it`s Tim."

I used to have an Amiga but then I grew up.

BRAND LOYALTY RATING: 26%
APPRECIATION FACTOR: 61%
FURTHER SOFT/HARDWARE PURCHASE RATING: As unlikely as butter melting in the North Pole
COUNTDOWN TO SNES: Probably had one a few years ago.
COUNTDOWN TO N64: Looked at one in a shop. Once. With his girlfriend.
WHERE NEXT?: Marriage and a steady career in packaging.
BACK FOR THE FUTURE RATING: 31%
We`ve lost him, (insert favourite authoritarian figure here, except teacher.)

Blimey though, there has to be more Amigas out there? Somewhere? Perhaps it`s a job for Mulder and Scully to investigate (an amusing feature idea is hatching - revolving around a pot of Muller Rice and Hugh Scully - with hilarious consequences.) But enough of this idle wibbling, let`s examine the facts:

WILL THE AMIGA RISE AGAIN?

We Cannot Say.

DAMN.

Mark Wright